Alright… I’m back.

So, I suppose I should explain my absence from the wonderful world of the internet… and the rest of the world in general (unless you came to see me at work).

Something hit me a few weeks ago. Something big. I felt like God was calling me to go “out into the wilderness” as Mike so eloquently put it. Not literally into the wilderness, but to take a few weeks and withdraw as much as possible from the “empire”, until I felt like it was time to come back. It was finally time to quit talking and start acting. So I started simply, no internet, no TV, no cigarettes, no meat (not quite sure why I felt that was important but oh well), I also had to give most of my worthless possessions away. I understand saying “worthless” sounds pious, but I really didn’t have much to begin with. Now, this is not to make it seem like I’m a great Christian and everyone should do this… just trying to be honest about something I felt sincerely called to do. God wanted me to have no distractions, to feel like shit, to make my wife think I’m crazy, and to take a small amount of time to seek him.

During this time I met and had a few talks with some people from various churches in the area and came to this conclusion: despite the fact I thought I was judging the “system” of the church out of love… I wasn’t. For that I apologize, to everyone. I hope you all can forgive me. The things I have experienced in my own life and the direction I was drawn in took me out of the church and showed me the flaws of the structure and the pain it caused myself and so many others. But in all my seemingly noble ventures, I was still acting out of pain and anger toward not only the system but the people that are a part of it. From the top tiers of “false-prophet televangelists” to money-mongering, lexus driving preachers all the way down to the genuine and faithful tithers that fill the pews of the dirt-poor churches of rural West Virginia. I didn’t feel angry so much as frustrated. But that frustration tended to fuel my rants toward the church.

To understand this frustration I should probably tell you what really led to me getting “exiled” to begin with. The church my parents and I went to had this really sweet old lady in thier congregation from the day they opened their doors to the day she died. Her name was Thelma. Thelma was an amazing woman. She was almost ninety and still incredibly active for her age. She walked everywhere and never missed a church function. My step-dad even lived with her for a while before marrying my mom. She lived less than a block from the church, in what can only be described as the “ghetto” of that small upscale area. She lived off social-security (which isn’t much) and after paying what few bills she had and buying a few groceries, she tithed her ten percent or more to the church and the rest of her money either went to the church, the 700 club or various other televangelists. She didn’t have much of a family. At least no one that seemed to really care about her. The church mostly seemed to view her as a sweet old novelty. My mom, however, loved Thelma and did everything she could to help her and take care of her. Thelma developed Alzheimers and died in a nursing home, dirt poor and with only my mom to keep her company. The church didn’t lift a finger to help her at all in her final days (aside from some comforting words over the phone I suppose). So the point of the story is, while she was dying in the only nursing home my mom could get her into: 1) Some televangelist who didn’t even know her name except as a mailing label for a postcard to try and squeeze out a few more dollars in the name of the Lord, was getting richer 2) The pastor of the church she attended and tithed so faithfully all those years was signing the papers on his SUV and his beautiful new home in one of Fairmont’s richest suburbs. That sent me over the edge.

The things I missed all these years of thinking about that story was this…

Thelma was not stupid. She had been around a long time. She had the wisdom that comes with that age. She knew what she was doing and for me to say that she couldn’t see the problems I could see is arrogant (and probably a little stupid on my part). I’m sure she saw all the problems I did and more. The difference being, she was faithful and put her faith in God that He was at work. A cracked structure couldn’t stop that work and she could only be a part of that work. One could argue that she didn’t leave the church or defect because she was old and that was her whole life up to that point… but I believe she stayed because she had work to do. She had a loving impact on everyone around her. it wasn’t until years later that I recognized that impact. I also began to recognize many, many others within the church system that have the same loving impact on those around them.

So as tempting as it is to say that everyone should leave the church and start a new path… that is not the answer. There are many people in many places that have been placed there by God to do his “seemingly irrational” will. What I’m realizing is, God’s church can be anywhere. God’s church is unconditional love that comes out where you least expect it. And his grace covers all, perhaps I need more than any televangelist. When we stop judging and ranting against people and start reflecting that unconditional love is when people who have heard only the lies might start speaking the truth. So I guess that raises the question: Do we stop speaking up about the issues we’ve raised regarding the church and Christendom? No. As long as we realize that even the most money-hungry, war-mongering person who call himself (or herself) a Christian is covered by grace and not in a position to be judged by us, perhaps we can take the steps to spread the love of God and end the injustice carried out in his name.

No one ever won an argument. I’ve been arguing against the church instead of shutting the hell up and learning how to really love. Love first. People will recognize that love, then if God calls you to speak, perhaps some people will listen.

That said, this is an exiting time and revolution is coming; as with exhibiting unconditional love, speaking the truth as God calls to us is necessary to be a part of that revolution. This “revolution” (I use that term loosely because I don’t presume to know what God has planned) won’t encompass everyone in God’s Kingdom. It’s not suppose to. There are people all over the world feeling a stir within them to move out from under the empire, out from 1700+ years of skewed doctrine and bloodshed to find something pure and as close as they can get to the Kingdom of God on earth in the real world. That’s exiting and I believe it can have a huge impact on this world. But there are also people within even the most “twisted” (as some might see it) of churches carrying that pure Kingdom of God within them, people like Thelma, and spreading it within the “empire” many of us saw fit to leave. The subversive church is not about a specific movement or inclusion of a specific idea while excluding the others. It’s about a community (whether online or in person) showing love, seeking truth and sharing (perhaps reminding ourselves) what we see when we look at Jesus without the filtered goggles of our culture, environment, and education.

Be careful where you place judgement. Take it from my personal experience “judge not, lest ye be judged”. So for judgment, cynicism, anger, frustration, hypocrisy, and over all just NOT showing the love that Christ showed… I hope you will forgive me. Like I said, I need grace more than most (or all).

-Chris